Stories

How to Vacuum

Vacuum salesman, Pete, is writing a book on vacuuming as a way to try and sell more vacuums and satisfy his boss’s outlandish sales expectations. He's set out explaining how to vacuum, vacuuming history, different types of vacuums and which one fits your needs, etc.

In writing this book, he realizes how absurd the whole thing is; the vacuums, the expectations, the people, everything. He comes to the conclusion that’s he’s been fooling himself for years. He's not a vacuum salesman. He's not an author. Maybe he has a cat, but that's about all he can know. He then delves into philosophy (like any typical person would), and wonders “what if I could prove nothing is real.”

He tries ending the whole thing by invoking a proof on existence, but he first uses it on his cat.

Nothing…

and then the cat turns toward him and says “You know J. L. Austin worked his proofs on Goldfinches”

"Holy Sh*t! That cat is talking now. I made a cat say words." And then he passes out.

Nothing.

Nothing makes sense, and he can’t know anything. But, does that really matter? Yeah, he's deceived himself this whole time, but maybe he can now live a more authentic life. He decides to just put this all in his vacuum book (the book we’re reading) and publish it.

Although it provides a philosophy, the book doesn’t make much sense. It is absurd. There is no one meaning to life - each of us There is no meaning to life - we’re just here, so try and make the most of it.

Brother of Ike

I'm not terribly sure what this one is about... I'm still trying to figure out the outline, but I'll let you know what I have so far, and hopefully it makes sense.

We start with a few characters:

• - James Cheenum: a devoutly religious man searching for immortality
• - Wild Bill: a real life, midlife gold digger known around town as the Brother of Ike, although his birthname is Professor
• - God: the heir of a promient gold prospector and in control of hundreds of plots, she sells a plot to Wild Bill
• - Ike: not sure yet

James dies at the very beginning (hit in the head with a thrown pistol). Wild Bill attends his funeral, however on the way home he notices a handsome figure in a white suit running into the mine he just purchased from God. Wild Bill attempts to catch up to him but he's in his nice funeral boots, so there's no point in trying.

This is when things start getting a little weird. Essentially ...