The Heir

Walter

(Looking at picture of his dad)

How the hell did you do it, dad? You turned grandpa’s neighborhood vacuuming business into a six billion dollar corporation. But then I inherit it and now I can barely keep the damn thing profitable. I can’t give Evan a failing business…

Albinus

(Enters mysteriously. Walter doesn’t notice him)

Walter. Son.

Walter

(Looks to the papers on his desk, defeated)

I haven’t even changed anything! I mean, hell, the factory children are still running the hydraulic presses, and we still don't provide health insurance. It's all the same, and yet we just aren't selling as many vacuums. Dad, your magic has somehow eluded me. I mean, maybe if I—

Albinus

BOY!

Walter

(Pause and then a big, exaggerated “ahh")

Ahh!

Albinus

Look at your father.

Walter

Dad? But you’re dead. You died eight and a half years ago.

Albinus

That I did, son, but now I stand before you as a mere spirit. And how, you may-

Walter

Wait, hold on. How are you here? You were cremated……twice. They said your organs were so cold that your first cremation was more of a thaw. The crematorium people had never seen anything like it.

Albinus

Walter! My God, would you let me finish. I was literally about to tell you.

(Collects himself)

You see, when I slipped into that eternal world, I went straight to the king himself,

(A quick beat)

Lucifer, and I looked him in the eyes, son, just as I did that bastard William Henry Hoover, and I told him that if he doesn’t do what I say, then he’ll wish he had never heard the name Albinus S Morticus.

Walter

Lucifer? Like, the devil? Dad, what the hell?

Albinus

Oh come on, boy! What did you expect? Heaven? Your grandfather was a weak man, so it was up to me to protect this family business. And what did I do? I dominated those insipid vacuum barons. I castrated my enemies. Jim Kirby wanted to make a reliable, family friendly vacuum?

Walter

It actually was a pretty good—

Albinus

(Albinus really getting worked up)

So I set fire to his beloved factory! Suck on that, Kirby — you may have unleashed the IRS on me, but good luck doing anything without a means of production!

Walter

Okay, so that is how you kept the business so profitable?

Albinus

Dammit, son! The vacuum industry has nothing to do with money or profits. How have you not yet realized this?

Walter

I don’t honestly know.

Albinus

(Calmed back down by now)

So then tell me, boy, how is my empire? Before I left this worthless earth, I had Hoover by the balls. I had him nearly eradicated.

Walter

(Nervous)

Well, dad, I’m gunna shoot ya straight, the business is going broke. I just wanted to make you proud, but…

(A beat as Albinus turns away from Walter)

Dad? Look, maybe you could give me some advice? We can still turn this around. Maybe we can unleash some hell on old Kirby?

Albinus

(Slowly turning back around)

I knew this would happen. You have always been my greatest failure, Walter, you know that?

Walter

But, dad, I can prove you wrong! I can be tough.

Albinus

You have a successor, I presume? Walter, look at me and tell me your boy has seen your weakness and has chosen strength, just as I saw the weakness pouring from my own pathetic father.

Walter

Evan? Oh yes, I’ve been preparing Evan for this for—

Evan

(suddenly appearing holding a old looking book)

(Albinus is only seen by Walter)

What did you say, dad?

Walter

Nothing, son.

Evan

Are you talking to yourself in here?

Walter

No, Evan. It’s nothing.

Albinus

Ahh yes, so this is the boy.

Evan

Well, I just wanted to tell you that I clogged the downstairs toilet.

Walter

EVAN! You had to do this now?

Evan

(A beat, confused)

So, can you plunge it?

Albinus

Walter, this is pathetic. Get this sad, weak boy into shape right now! This is MY legacy! And dammit, you better make me proud.

Walter

I will! I swear!

(Albinus leaves, angry, mumbling)

Evan

(Thinking Walter just agreed to plunge the toilet)

Okay. Cool.

Walter

What? No, Evan this toilet clogging thing is getting ridiculous! You can’t keep waiting until the last minute. If it feels ready then go, son, don’t wait. I’m tired of plunging the damn toilet.

Evan

Okay. God, what’s wrong with you?

Walter

Evan, I need to talk with you. And I need you to be serious. Because this is serious, okay?

Evan

Okay

Walter

What does vacuuming mean to you?

Evan

Like to clean the floor?

Walter

Of course it means to clean the floor! But what else? It HAS to mean something more to you!

Evan

Why? Because you want me to lead the vacuum thing?

Walter

Our six billion dollar family corporation? Yes, for some reason… yes. We’ve been over this. It’s a big deal.

Evan

I just don’t really care about that anymore, okay? I’m ready to finally start MY life. I’m… I’m getting so sick of vacuums.

Walter

Sick of vacuums? How could you not like vacuuming? It runs in your blood. I thought you loved it…

Evan

(irritated)

Loved it? From the age of 8 you made me vacuum our entire house every Saturday. No cartoons, no friends, just vacuuming. And we have a pretty big house! …and honestly, grandpa’s vacuums kind of suck.

Walter

They don’t—Okay, then what do you want to do, Evan? Tell me.

Evan

I want to go to college. I want freedom. I want cool friends and I want to be wild, like order a pizza at midnight, or go to a party and… and try beer—I want to try beer, dad!!

Walter

Beer? Of all things?

Evan

Well… I don’t know, but I want to figure out who I am. I want to find me, you know?

Walter

Okay, so you go to school, get a business degree, and then come and run the company? I don’t understand what you're trying to get at here.

Evan

No, that’s not… You know what? This is stupid. You clearly don’t get it. Can you just unclog the toilet?

(Evan turns to leave)

Walter

Evan! What am I missing? Help me understand, son.

Evan

(Evan turns back toward Walter)

Well, first off, I don’t want a business degree.

Walter

Okay, then what are you going to study? Maybe engineering? Morticus Vacuums hasn’t had a great innovation since your grandfather invented that little clip near the end of the power cord. The one that allows you to connect it to the rest of the power cord when you’re storing the vacuum. You know, that little clip that keeps the power cord in place?

Evan

Yeah, dad, I know the clip.

Walter

Well that clip put this business on the map. I actually think I have the prototype around here somewhere.

Evan

Dad, I don’t care about the clip… oh my god…

Susan

(Enters the room, frustrated)

Walter. It happened again! I just spent the last hour dragging the vacuum across the living room floor because that stupid wheel fell off. It's time to replace it.

Walter

I know… I’ll grab another one from the factory tomorrow.

Susan

But these vacuums keep breaking.

Walter

Not now, Susan… Evan, what are you going to study?

Evan

Like tell you right now?

Walter

Yes, Evan!

Evan

Okay. Well… I’m, uh, going to study Philosophy.

Walter

Philosophy?!

Evan

(More confident - anticipating a fight)

Yes, Philosophy.

Walter

Why philosophy?

Evan

Because it’s fascinating, dad! It makes me feel things!

(A beat, as Evan collects his thoughts)

The questions, the arguments, they’re deep. I can’t stop reading this stuff! Plato, Aristotle… they’re all I think about. I mean, we can’t truly know if we have hands! Like, how crazy is that?

Walter

Hands? Yeah, that’s pretty damn crazy, Evan. You’re going to attend college to learn whether or not we have hands?

Evan

(Nervous)

Well, it’s not just hands. Like, what if we’re just a brain in a vat?

Walter

(Evan and Susan taken aback, silent, as Walter blows up)

A vat? Who cares? I’ll save you the hassle: we have hands. Okay? They’re right here! Boy, this shit is getting wacky. Philosophy? Look, you’re not doing that. You hear me? Your future is vacuums. You’re going to study business, and then you’re going to work for this company. And dammit, you better make me proud!

Susan

Walter! Stop! Right now!

(Susan turns to Evan)

Evan, sit down; I need to talk to your father for a second.

(Evan sits down on a couch away from his parents)

(Susan, visibly annoyed, moves closer to Walter)

What was that? What is going on with you?

Walter

Susan, this kid has a clear path to success. He can be a powerful leader, if he would just try! But he’s throwing all of that away for philosophy?

Susan

What’s it matter? It’s his life.

Walter

Susan, I understand that, but we’re Morticuses. We dominate the vacuum industry. We’ve given our lives to this cause, and look what it’s given us. This house, our trips —

Susan

No, your dad gave his life to this cause. You gave up yours to try and please him. Evan - he sees what it’s done to you—

Walter

What it’s done to me?

Susan

Yeah. You’re stressed out, Walter. Each day I think “there’s no way he could get more rigid” and then somehow you figure out a way. Is this company even worth the stress?

Walter

Of course it’s worth the stress. It’s been in my family for generations. It’s my life.

Susan

But vacuums? Is that honestly what you’re passionate about?

Walter

Yeah, Susan!

(calming down, decides whether or not to share his story)

I’ve never told you this, but when I was younger I designed a vacuum that was years ahead of its time. Revolutionary.

Susan

Revolutionary?

Walter

Oh yes! It was a damn good vacuum. But my dad, he was jealous, you see, because all he had ever invented

Walter and Susan together

was the clip

Walter

To connect the end of the power cord to the rest of the power cord.

Susan

I know.

Walter

So he took a good look at my plans, smacked me in the face, and walked away. Then a month later, the man unveiled a new vacuum to undercut Dyson. And Susan, it looked just like mine, except it was a piece of cheap junk. He called it the "Albinus Pet Maximus”

(A beat)

I just thought that vacuum would be enough… for him to like me.

Susan

Walter, YOU are enough. Your dad doesn’t get to define you. We’ve been over this. You don’t need anyone’s approval.

Walter

I know… I just can’t get his voice out of my head.

Susan

Look at me. You don’t need to be anyone except my sweet Walter. And Evan, he just needs a dad that’ll support him.

Walter

I know, but Evan, he can lead this company, if he would just-

Susan

Walter, are you even listening? Do you want your legacy to be vacuums or your relationship with your son?

Walter

(a long beat as Walter realizes his mistakes)

Dammit, Susan, you’re right. This is my life, and I can’t even enjoy it.

Susan

You’ve buried your passion!

Walter

Exactly!

Susan

And now you need to rediscover it!

Walter

(getting fired up! The gears are clearly turning in his head)

I really do!

Susan

I know you have what it takes to revive this company AND be a supportive father-

Walter

Susan. I’m going to build my vacuum.

Susan

Oh. Okay, cool.

Walter

I think I've rediscovered it.

Susan

Your passion? That was fast... Well, I think that's a great idea! But first, let’s talk to Evan?

Walter

Right.

(Returns to Evan)

Hey…

(Evan Nods, like “what’s up?")

Walter

So… I don’t know if you heard any of that, but-

Evan

Don’t know if I heard any of that? I’m right here. You guys were like 5 feet away…

Walter

Okay, well, if studying philosophy will make you happy then I think you should do it.

Evan

Yeah, I heard mom make you say that.

Walter

(Getting irritated again)

She didn’t make me say anything-

Evan

But, I appreciate it.

Walter

(Calming back down)

Of course. Also, I’m sorry I yelled a bit ago. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. My dad was a… I struggle with…

Evan

It’s okay, dad. You're trying your best.

Walter

I just want you to know that I love you, son.

Evan

(Evan rises to leave)

I love you too, dad. Alright, well I’m going to- Wait, the toilet?

Walter

Yeah, I know I’ll get the damn toilet.

Evan

Cool! Thanks.

(Evan Leaves)

Susan

Walter, I’m proud of you. This is a great start!

Walter

(begins searching his office)

Susan, I need to find my old designs! Oh, this vacuum is going to be it! I can feel it!

(turns back to Susan)

My dear, you are brilliant!

(Looks a bit in the office before leaving to search somewhere else)

Susan

(Follows Walter off stage)

Oh, thank you. But first, you really need to get those poor, factory children off the hydraulic presses. It’s just not safe… or legal.